Scum of the Earth....

So, I will start by saying I rarely pay attention to gossip blogs or their authors but today I was forced to take notice.
Perez Hilton finally said something that I can't seem to get over being irate about. I have a niece and nephew who grew up without a dad. My nephew was three when my brother died and I held him through the memorial service.

I held him while he screamed over and over "I want my daddy" he sobbed so hard his little body trembled in
my arms. I had to walk outside with him twice. This was March 17,1992 and I remember every painful second of that day like it was yesterday. The pain of the child in my arms was one of the most excruciating things I have ever witnessed. It made my own pain seem almost small in comparison. My eyes are blurred with tears now as I write recalling it.

Michael Jackson's children today are walking thru one of the most painful of life's experiences the loss of someone who gave them life. That loss is one of the most profound ones they will ever know and because they are so young they will bear the burden of that loss much longer than the rest of usually have to.

Most of us have had or will have our fathers live to see us graduate high school and college, get married,bear children of our own. These poor children, like my niece and nephew, will not have that blessing. They will grow up without their father's love,guidance,and support. They will grow up with the same hollow void that I have watched my niece and nephew grow up with.A void that can and will never be filled for them.

I cannot imagine if someone had referred to my nephew's display of grief and loss as a "show" what I may have done to that person. The punch in the eye Perez Hilton got recently I can assure you would pale in comparison. Paris Jackson wanted the world to know how much she loved her father and how wonderful he had been just as my nephew wanted the world to know he wanted his daddy back. They have a right to express their pain however they choose.

Michael's kids deserve empathy and our prayers. The road ahead of them is a long and painful one. As someone who has seen this first hand and spent most of my life trying to fill the space my brother left behind my prayers go out to his siblings. As someone who has watched her mother bury a son, I pray for his mother, Katherine.

Perez Hilton, you are quite possibly the poorest excuse for a gay man I have ever had the displeasure of encountering in all my life. You seem to have been born without the basic sensitivity your gay brothers and sisters all have. You have chosen to take a stab at the child of a man who fought tirelessly for your rights and fought on countless levels for AIDS causes worldwide. This, a disease that has taken the lives of some of the most incredible gay people the world has ever known.

Shame on you for being arrogant enough to think that you have the right to judge someone who's shoes you have never walked in. Shame on you for you lack of judgement and tact. Mostly shame on you for your failure today...not just your failure as a member of the media but for your failure as a human being.

I hope that the world and the celebrities who have given you their support in the past take notice of this. It is yet further proof or your lack of discretion. You will resort to attacking the innocent children of a celebrity if it suits you and you have shown over the years that no one exempt.

I am a very big supporter of the first amendment in fact it is my chosen field of practice for my law career. There is a basic law that all the world's most respected journalists adhere to. People like Edward R. Murrow, Mike Wallace etc. These "real' journalists know that sometimes just because you can say whatever you would like doesn't mean that you should!


This is his comment from twitter...
"Nooooo!!!!!!! Those kids should not be putting on a show right now. So wrong. They should not be speaking or on stage. So horrible."
It is on his page but I refuse to promote him by linking it.

Hipsters...

So I was at a club filled with sweaty young hipsters the other night and it prompted the question....Do these people bathe? I got mostly answers in the negative but then,Mike B. came in to enlighten me. According to Mike's amazing rationale there are 2 kinds of hipsters. The first being the "Real Hipsters" and they do not bathe. The second being the "Blow Dried Hipsters" who spend insane amounts of money to look like they don't bathe but in reality they shower daily. The things you learn at nightclubs..LMFAO

http://www.latfh.com/

Why ask Why?

Sometimes when things become clear to us we are no better off than before. "Why" is a question we don't always want the answer to or rather we want it until we have it and then wish we had never asked. How many times in my life have I asked why someone hurt or betrayed me only to find that the answer was simply that I didn't matter to them?
The answer is so profoundly hurtful it benefits no one. I would rather hear that I caused them some harm, even imagined harm, and they hurt or betrayed me out of spite. To do such things out of apathy destroys our faith in humanity.
We can all relate to doing something out of spite or vindication. It is a palatable but not pleasant concept but the mind does not recoil from it. There is nothing more cold and inhumane to face than that people we have loved do the most heinous things sometimes with no motivation other than that they simply don't care.
How do you trust anyone if you find that those you have loved the most and been the kindest to have only pretended to care for you to the same degree? How do you discern who is true and not just "working an angle" of some kind? How do you ever allow yourself to be vulnerable with anyone?How do you love openly and honestly?
Love is not something you can do half way or with conditions. It is something that must be done with an open mind and an open heart. In the world we live in now I wonder how people find the courage to take such a risk with something of such value? I feel like I have started to guard my heart with an armed firing squad. I hate that feeling.
I miss my openness but I, like most, have been hurt many times. Often it was perpetrated by those closest to me and I feel myself shutting down. Maybe the first step to preserving who I was before the damage is this moment.
I am acknowledging the hurt and choosing not to let it cripple me. I vow to make a concerted effort to learn from the heartbreaks and betrayals of friends and lovers but not allow them to destroy my spirit. I will not torture myself by asking why from now on. I am resolved to do my best to let go of what wreckage there is and take each new person at face value hoping my past has taught me something that will mean fewer heartbreaks in the future. Knowing why is the booby prize...

let it go
no more holding on
what will i let go of
the restraint
the object i should restrain myself from
he makes my mind melt
he makes my heart dance
he is my dream
but is he a man
he is a note
but is he a symphony
he is a kiss
but is he a romance
his fingers touch my skin
i am on fire
burning from within
dying to tell him to stop
living to have him touch me again
he found the sweetness
that is bitter in the end
will it all just fade away
he smiles sweetly
that razorblade smile
i beg to be cut
and bleed out lust
or maybe its love and
i lie to myself
maybe its a moment
let it pass
leave me burning
the pain reminds me
of music
dark,haunting
that melody
his song
my song
the opus
of the soul
two dischordant notes
find harmony
balance
beauty
in an ugly world
paint a masterpiece
change the course
of life
leave a mark
a ripple in the
universe
that echos
through eternity
she is idealistic
he is realistic
opposites attract
and sometimes repel
will they
time will tell
its the start
shall we dance
or end before we begin
least resistance
or greatest
the choice is his
i can't bear to make
him leave...

The winds of change....

So many of you are at least vaguely aware of my political history but for those who are not I will give a little bit of the backstory.
At 16 years old in Delaware Ohio I was still an idealogical girl who dared to believe that one voice in a nation so vast could have an impact on the entire poitical process. I would find just 2 short years later that this was the truth.
I campaigned for Bill Clinton before I was old enough to vote and participated in the largest political youth movement since the 60's. We registered 60,000 18-24 year olds for that election and I saw my candidate take the Presidency for the second time.
I had participated in process that instilled in me my faith in my country and my pride as an American.
I worked for Senator Kerry's campaign to raise the very necessary funds for the state of New Mexico which desprately needed the help. It was to be in vain!
Just 4 years after Clinton had taken his leave I would stand before a tv watching election results and feeling all the faith and pride slip away. They were replaced with despondence and shame.I had inteded to enter the once great field of law but in the first four years of the Bush administration I saw the law which I repsected and revered reduced to mere books on a shlef. A literary history of the cases that had set the precedent for how this once great nation had upheld its contsitution.
I watched the very fabric of the country that I had loved and been so secure within ripped at the seams. I had lost the sense of safety that being an amercian had once represented.More than anything I lost the most fundamental thing that being an american had given me and all americans...I lost hope!
With this 2008 election I have to confess to deliberately keeping myself in the dark about most of the details. I had also made a decision not to raise money or campaign, I had been disillusioned by the 2 prior elections to say the least. As the economy continued to spiral downward and I watched friends and colleagues and even many members of my family slip into financial crisis I had to turn my attention to politics again.
I am not a hater of all things McCain there are issues on which he and I agreed(Palin definitely excluded). However, I felt the long journey ahead for whomever was to be the next president would be a very trying one and I did not feel confident a very geriatric candidate was a good choice for the job. I started to study Barack Obama because despite the popular opinion that the color of his skin had something to do with his capacity to run the country;I personally prefer to judge all people on the content of their character.
From the struggles of his youth to his long road to the Democratic candidacy I really began to look at him as a man from beginnings as humble as mine with an equal amount of struggle strife to that of most Americans. I started to see him as someone who had indeed walked a mile in our shoes and could with compassion and empathy begin to rebuild our country with our support.
I now see him as a charismatic and inspiring leader who I hope will fill the very big shoes that i have imagined he will. He has inspired me. He has renewed my faith in my country not just because of his character but in one regard because of the color of his skin. That America elected by a landslide an African-American candidate is profound. It is the first time I have witnessed this country moving forward toward progress in a very long time.
I am sure that there are many people who thought they would not live to see such a day come. One such person is my friend Gary Avnet. Gary began his foray into civil rights activism on public record in the 60's but his story begins long before.
Gary was born to Jewish parents who were both first generation in this country. Their parents had passed through Ellis island.
He grew up in New York in a mixed heritage neighborhood where for the most part everyone got along. There was no bigotry and all the neighborhood's diverse children played together and grew up together.
When he was 8 years old he went to visit a childhood friend of his mother's in New Fork VA. Here he got his first taste of racism. He had to use the men's room and just as he proceeded to enter the door marked with a male placard he was seized by a man who said " Hey boy you can't go in there this bathroom is for Niggers, you go to the white men's bathroom." Gary had no clue what the man was referring to having never heard such a word before but did as he was told.
Gary eventually attended high school in the city and sat voluntarily next to the sole african-american boy in his math class not realizing until much later that people in the north in the 60's just hid their racism under sugar cookie smiles.
After graduating in 1963 he was to attend Columbia University's school of pharmacy on national scholarship in the fall. Gary had gone to visit family in California for the summer and in middle August 1963 when he flew home to prepare for the fall semester at school he reconnected with old friends. They had started to discuss going to Washington DC to participate in protests there and show solidarity to blacks in the south.
It was the time of Bull Conner. There was lynching and people being attacked by dogs for something as simple as wanting to eat at a lunch table. The nightly news was heavy with the stories of violence and hatred toward African -Americans. So in late August Gary and his friends met in the village and boarded the buses that would carry them to the Capital!
As they drove they began to spot picket signs protesting their journey. They were told there were enough state troopers to protect the buses but they were pelted with rocks repeatedly and one window was broken by a bullet.
When they arrived everyone scattered blacks and whites mixed and united and began to move as one unit with a common goal. "It was a great feeling" Gary says now when reflecting on the day!
When he and his friends arrived the speeches were just starting and he inched as close to the Lincoln Monument as he could get. When he could go no further Gary recalls that he "was too short to see and I found a tree and asked someone to give me a boost so I could climb to a better vantage point". He was about 150 feet from the podium. The sweltering heat took hold and many people fainted making him grateful for his seat above the crowd.
Harry Belafonte, and Adam Clayton Powell spoke and Gary intently listened as the moment approached for Dr. King to speak. Gary like all the others sat speechless and enrapt as one of the greatest Civil rights leaders in history imparted wisdom and words of hope and inspiration. "I witnessed and unprecedented spectacle" Avnet says today.
After the speeches when the crowd began to disperse Gary decided to cool off in the reflection pool. He and his group had a prearranged meeting time to be back at their bus. They all made it and took the long ride home. He recalls returning at approximately midnight and going to a local bar to reflect on the events of their day and they were hopeful that it would have an impact.
A short time later he would find that Dr King, the charismatic and sincere leader of the movement Gary had dedicated himself to had been shot down way before his time. It was a devasting blow to both he and all the other pepople who had believed in Dr King's dream of progress for our nation.
In the wake of this two Jewish kids who were acquaintances of Gary's were killed in Mississippi while there to protest. Gary himself had been part of a similar protest in the south. These were rare for Jewish kids due to the risk this often put them in with the often equally anti-Semitic racists. It became another event that stripped him of his idealistic goals to help rid our country of racial injustice.
Gary went on to Columbia and joined both the SDS or Students for a Democratic Society and the SNC aka Student non-violent Coordinating Committee . Both organizations were formed because many students were frustrated with the University administration's policies regarding civil rights protests.
While attending a demonstration at the presidents office Avnet recalls "things got out of hand" between law enforcement and the protesters. He spent the night in custody and has carried an arrest record since that night. He graduated June 5th, 1968 and after attended a party with his girlfriend returned home to find that his candidate,the late Bobby Kennedy, had been shot to death. This was a crushing blow to his reserve and started a long road fraught with disappointment with regard to our nation's progress and his efforts to help the country move forward.
This current election has been the most significant one of Gary Avnet's life for many reasons but first and foremost it is because he has lived to see his efforts bring the progress we are now experienceing and will hope fully continue. He has gotten back the abilty to use the word hope with regard to the state of out country and our lives as Americans.
I asked him how he felt and I thought it would be best to allow him to express it in his own vernacular. The following is his answer.


I have watched with horror the two previous elections and how they
were stolen by the Bushes... How the people of this country were lied
too , to bring on that horrible war....
So as this election cycle started and there was no incumbent running.
I watched the debates...My first pick for democratic runner for president
was Joe Biden.. After that everyone was the same......
I started to learn a little more about Obama, I was just interested
in how he carried himself... I started reading up on his background
and I guess when the Iowa caucusses were present.. I really took a
deep look into this man.. I did not want Hillary Clinton for many reasons
but, the thought of the First lady president vs the First Black President was
so intriguing to me.... I have been a member of Emily's list for so many
years, so I felt a strong compassion on the women side....
I do not know what day it was, but I started to recollect to my past
and as my closest person in my life was starting to fail and finally left
me, I became more passionate about the upcoming election and'
the implication of what would be good for America...
We needed a president for all the people and did what he said.
Was not afraid to talk to his enemies and Be all inclusive
That's Obama...
So I donated money to different states that would be the pivotal points in
the election for Obama... The day I voted here, I worked a phone
bank for PA and Ohio to get out the vote....
To say the least, I feel this country has so many problems and needs
a good quality President... When you look at his history, family, kids
It brought me back to the Heady days of the 1960s with JFK...
I am proud to be an American again and feel that tyrany has lifted.
We as a country have a long road to HO, till we can be sure of our
way of life.. I believe he will be the man that can lead us out of the
wilderness..
God Bless America
P.S Its very hard to see him as black in reference because this country has
come a long way.. when you look at Obama... He is the American Dream .

On the eve of his inauguration I have to say that I agree with Gary. President Elect Barack Obama is the American Dream and he is definitely my dream for the future of my country and my own progress as an American. So good luck Mr. President and thank you...

Just my 2 cents
N

For my Friends....

December 17th 2008

As another year comes to a close I have been reflecting on a lot of things. This year I think for myself and many people has been a particularly trying one. Between economic loss and what seems like more than average struggle and strife 2008 seems to have been less than easy for a lot of us.
When we have so much on our plates and each day brings more challenges than we have resources to handle its easy to contemplate giving up. Worse still we lose sight of the little blessings we all have that we take for granted during stressful periods.
Most of us to some degree have been effected financially by the state of our economy and for the first time we are starting to realize the true value of the "things' we have accumulated. I am sure many people are as surprised as I am at how little all the material stuff means now that priorities are changing.
None of us are any cooler because of what we drive, what we wear or where we live. None of us has built an ounce of character through the acquisition of "things". With people losing "things" left and right we are forced to look at one another as we are not as we were once perceived. Now stripped of our pretenses, life is giving us a chance to look at ourselves and those around us and take an honest appraisal of who we all are and what really matters to us.
I have learned I don't care about acquiring "things" anymore! I want to acquire success and happiness and both of these as I define them now not as I defined them in the past. I have learned that there is nothing more valuable than family and friends. When I say friends I mean real ones. The ones who have seen you at your most vulnerable and at your lowest and love you anyway. The ones who through thick and thin are always there to tell you the truth and then hug you when it hurts. The ones who you love unconditionally and that feeling is 100 % mutual.
With this being a tough holiday season for many of us I think the most important thing we can do is practice gratitude. Be grateful for your friends and family. Be grateful for a year that made us all come to terms with how shallow we have been for so long. Say thank you that we have a whole new year coming up to use these lessons to become better people. We have a new year to start over and find success and happiness that is real. Somehow I think we may all find the world a much better place soon.
I wish everyone Happy Holidays and a new year filled with what really matters....



A New Year’s Prayer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anonymous

Dear Lord, please give me…
A few friends who understand me and remain my friends;
A work to do which has real value,
without which the world would be the poorer;
A mind unafraid to travel, even though the trail be not blazed;
An understanding heart;
A sense of humor;
Time for quiet, silent meditation;
A feeling of the presence of God;
The patience to wait for the coming of these things,
With the wisdom to recognize them when they come. Amen.

Fair Weather!

December 14th 2008


I am puzzled endlessly at people in LA who despite professing absolute loathing for certain people; continue to treat these people with a sickeningly sweet and fake politeness. I don't get it. If I don't like someone I don't have make a scene but I certainly am not gonna pose for pics smiling like a mannequin and write them sweet little responses to their comments on facebook and myspace.
I guess maybe its because a lot of people here like or dislike people for very shallow reasons. Stuff that in the grand scheme of things really doesn't matter. If you dislike someone enough to spend a lot of time talking shit about them don't you also know professing your unyielding support of them in a public forum and in photos makes you look like an ass?
Why say anything at all? I am always one to believe that tact and grace are important but so is being true to who you are. Always better to be a honest person good or bad than pretend. Particularly if you have made the mistake of being very vocal about your true feelings about the person you are being falsely nice to. It makes those around you who you chose to unload your true feelings on question not only whether you are simply a two-faced shit talker but whether you may actually have a screw loose. Worse still, and I know I have wondered this... whether you are so desperate to be liked by all that you will tolerate someone you can't stand rather than be honest and alone?
So if i interrupt anyone in mid-mud sling no one should wonder why....It's because I saw the pics of you and "them" from last night and your cute little wall post this morning and I just don't wanna hear it!
Just my two cents!!!!

Empty....

December 19th 2006 3:46 am

So it wasn't that long ago that I wrote a very sincere and honest blog about being completely comfortable being single. I am not sure what happened but for some reason the last few weeks I have started to notice that alone has meant lonely more and more often. I am not gonna rush out and settle for the next guy I go on a date with but there is a definite sting to sleeping alone lately.
I am a serial monogamist and I have been single now for almost 2 years. I have spent that time alternating between dating one guy for a few months and 5 guys at a time for a few months. I guess I couldn't decide which made more sense to put all my eggs in one basket or to keep my options open? Right now I still don't know the answer but I am leaning toward the one guy option.
Maybe one of the multiples I was dating was Mr. Right and I was too busy keeping my options open to give the attention I should have. Maybe he's in my life right now and I don't know it yet. One of the guys I dated this past year who has become a great friend told me that I would find "him" when I least expected and it would probably the underdog.
Who is this underdog? Does he exist? Will I know him when he comes? If he's already in my life then how will I suddenly gain clarity enough to recognize him after missing the boat all this time?
I wrote a list of boyfriend requirements here once too and for some reason with all the importance I placed on those things it seems the most important thing to me is something I can't articulate. I don't have words for it and "je ne sais quoi" seems like a gross understatement. I guess I can't write myself a Mr. Right I have to feel my way to him. I have to have faith that my heart will know when its "him".
I used to be able to close my eyes and just step off the cliff and fall in love right or wrong. Now....I can't seem to find the courage to take risks. Had my heart broken too many times maybe. I don't know how to connect anymore, its like I lost my sensitivity.

I do know that its almost 4-am and I have insomnia that is caused by the painful awareness of the empty pillow on the other side of the bed. Years of cohabitation got me into the habit of conforming to his and hers sides of the bed. Great idea when there is someone to fill the other side but when its empty it gnaws at you. When you turn out the light there is the absence of the tandem breathing that reminds you you are not alone. So I am awake again.Its better to write it out than toss and turn in the dark defiantly lying in the middle of the bed hoping in vain it will make me feel better so I can sleep.
I hate complaining but I just know that my life is missing something and right now it feels like the missing element is someone to share it with. These are the lyrics to the song that just started on my itunes....interesting timing.

"

Soulmate
by Natasha Beddingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

alone vs lonely....

August 23rd 2007

I spent another night alone with Stevie Wonder and a bottle of red wine! I love these nights. The sound of Songs in the Key of Life and my own breathing. Maybe it's because I have grown up or maybe I am destined to be a an old spinster but I really enjoy time spent alone. I like my own company. I like the space I find in my head when there is no noise from others. The freedom to disappear inside myself and look at who I am is a gift.
I am not getting any younger and maybe I should be less comfortable being by myself but in truth I am only lonely when surrounded by others. I guess the fact that I don't need approval for every step I take anymore has alienated me from the throngs of life. I don't fit in anymore. I stand in the corner quietly observing the rest of you and feeling less and less like one of you.
I patiently wait for the night to end so I can disappear into me again and have my own world that I exist in without you. I pray for the chance to sit in my room glass on the nightstand and pen in my hand. Exploring on paper the innerworkings of my heart and mind so that some day I will understand me. Then maybe...I will understand you! I will find the parrallels between us again and find my way back to being " a part of" instead of "apart from". Until I do I am just content to be alone!

How did we get here??

September 17th 2008


Life is what you make it! When you're at your lowest and it seems hopeless it's easy to wallow in the misery and despair. I am not in the highest of places at the moment and yet I am finding things to be grateful for constantly. Simple things...the roof over my head,clothes on my back, food in belly. I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, the cutest dogs...a lot of love in my life.
I have spent a lot of my life taking things for granted which is probably what led me to moments when abundance just did'nt seem to flow. You can't be ready to achieve what you dream of till you are able to appreciate what you already have.
I have made the mistake of thinking I am running out of time and focusing on the clock ticking away. That kept me from being able to enjoy the things that were happening just then. It deprived me of NOW!
I have cleaned house with people in my life and I've learned to put up walls when necessary to keep the wrong ones out. I have learned to appreciate the tiny things about friends and people in general. Punctuality for example...people who are always late feel that their time is more important than everyone else's. I don't need that in my life. I expect to be treated with the same courtesy and respect with which I treat others.
I have learned to believe little of what I hear from people and I choose instead to observe their actions. Try it and you will probably find a lot of contradictions.
I have made so many mistakes in my life but I am not gonna feel bad about them anymore. I am gonna do what I have been doing which is learn from them and grow. Regret and guilt only keep me stuck in the past and that deprives me of NOW!
I arrived at this moment from a painstaking process that involved a lot of sweat, blood, and tears. Now I am grateful for all of it. It gave me the gift of being able to see what I have got and appreciate it so i can truly get to where i am meant to be. It allowed me to let go of my mistakes with dignity and wisdom gained. It allowed me to let go of unrealistic expectations and in the process gain something far greater than i ever conceived.It allowed me to love myself and others and give others the chance to love me back.
I am here and NOW and for the time in my life I think I might just be content

Perfect...

March 31st 2008

So if a girl can cook 3 amazing meals a day, close a million dollar deal, balance a kid on her hip, fuck you like a pornstar and look beautiful doing it all....? Give her a ring damnit! The grass is not greener! She will not be there after you go sew your oats! Just because she's independent doe'snt mean she does'nt need you. She should make you feel like more of a man than anyone else because when a strong woman chooses you it is because she loves you not what you have. She can survive without you but she doesn't want to...
You can survive without her but you will spend the rest of your life wishing you had her back...

Awake....

August 10th 2008

I can't sleep again! Insomnia is becoming a way of life. As soon as the lights go out my mind races. A scrolling marquee of all that I should or should not do or have done. Haunted by my regrets and more haunted by the thought of what I will miss tomorrow. Why am I so listless?
Why does my heart ache?
What is this knot in the pit of my stomach?
What about the one in my throat that keeps me from saying what I mean?
When will i be happy?
When will I be complete?
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders all the time. I wanna rebel. Turn off the phone stop paying the house and car notes ,shut the blinds forget the heavy world exists!
I wanna feel something real again.
I want him to be real but I don't think he is.
Every word seems like a line thrown at me,.the 100th girl... or am i the first? Confusion!
Desperation!
Exhaustion!
My soul is tired!
My mind aches worse than my heart...
I don't wanna think I don't want to analyze every word, act thought...it's just how I am!
Can i change?
Why won't the pharmaceutical find its way to my bloodstream?
I need black sleep, a dark hole the xanax I just took should help me fall into.
Wishful thinking!
I don't know what I wish for anymore?
No more candles to blow out, eyelashes on my cheek , or shooting stars!
When I get what I wish for I learn I wish for all the wrong shit!
Maybe that's what keeps me up!
Maybe it is that I have everything and want nothing...
Does anyone else care?
I don't give a fuck about you either!
Unless you can hold me while I cry myself to sleep...
Unless you are the one I want to hold me!
Then I love you and hate you for loving me!
Because the me you love isn't who you think.
I am broken, imperfect and frail .
But in my chest.....Beats the heart of lion maybe someday you will see.
However unlikely it seems....
Maybe I have to close my eyes to really open them
Now I will dream..

Isla de Guadalupe!

January 7th 2008

So I waited awhile to post a blog about my trip to Guadalupe mostly because I have been processing it all. (still am) I got an instant message from Dean Karr who is my photography idol particularly regarding great white sharks saying "call me right fucking now". I was thinking someone died and he was gonna be dropping a bomb on me. He did drop a bomb but it was one the best of my life. For the past few years I have been trying to make it on this trip with Dean but it has always come at the busiest time of the year for me and I couldn't get away. For the first time I could actually take the trip I always dreamed of. Absolutely the best gift ever!
I actually went to South Africa to do it once but opted for not getting off the boat after they took me on the tour de breach and then showed me the chicken wire cage....um sorry not getting off the boat. EVER! No one said they were the most safety conscious of shark diving operations. South Africa was one of 2 trips I didnt make it into the water for...Bahamas, bull sharks, badddddd experience!
I have been on a lot of shark dives some even sans cage and involved hand feeding but nothing can compare to this. I slid into my gear with the help of Palmolive, which I later discovered was a very bad idea for me. I managed to get it in my eyes twice. Once with the help of my friend Gracy(sloshed accidentally into my hood). The second time I have no explanation but I went blind and decided to poke my head out in front of an incoming shark for assistance. (Thanks to Lawrence for saving me from possible decapitation)
I slid into the cage with Gracy, Matt, and Dean "Sharkbait" Karr. I dubbed him such based on his technique for getting the perfect shot by hanging out of the cage waving his arms to get them to approach. This tactic also resulted in my getting a ton of pictures of Dean's arm and camera right in front of the shark I was trying to photograph.
You can't imagine the rush of seeing God's most perfect invention coming at you mere inches away. They are one of the only things on earth that are completely unchanged. They have not evolved because they were absolutely perfect from the start. Despite popular myth I definitely found them to be intelligent and cunning predators. The most interesting and entertaining thing I learned about their behavior is that they truly are hunters that rely on the element of surprise. They prefer unsuspecting prey. As they would come straight at us in the submersible a simple stare from us would result in a change of their course. They would execute the change with a kind of nonchalance as if to say " Ehhh I was'nt gonna bite you, just checkin you out". Once they saw they had lost the element of surprise the thrill of the hunt seemed lost to them as well.
They all have their own personalities. Some docile and confident, some curious, and some sneaky and aggressive. To me it seemed that the larger they were the more docile. It was as if with the immense size they had nothing to prove and nothing to fear so they moved slowly and calmly while everything else moved out of the way for them.
They also all have their own appearance. Like people, some are shorter, fatter, longer, thinner, some have not nice teeth, some have perfect teeth, they have scars, coloration differences and...FRECKLES! Yes, you read it right FRECKLES! They are actually spots and not all of them have these but my favorite shark of the trip that has apparently been a frequent visitor to the island had them. Beautiful little gray spots that inspired the name Speckles.
It was love at first sight for me and Speckles who must've been 16ft+. I was in the topside cage on the right alone for approximately an hour at the end of the first day Dean and some other divers were in the cage on the left when speckles noticed the lone black thingy (me) bouncing around.When there are four of you in cage its like you're all one big piece but one of you looks a bit more like a possible meal. So as I continued to bounce around Speckles came in right next to the open gap on the cage to check me out. Time after time he would do a u-turn and pass so close that I have several shots of his gills and one head shot that I may have been taking too great a risk for. (check Isla Guadalupe album...still editing)Dean got some really incredible shots of him including one of me in the cage alone with him in the background. It was amazing.
After the excitement of the topside cages I didn't think it could get any better and then the brought out...THE LUNCHBOX! The lunchbox is a submersible cage that goes down to a depth of 20 feet. It has an open top and very large gaps in the sides for filming. Submerging in the lunchbox is a bit scary. Day two I actually fell into it cracking my weights making a loud ring and a splash that almost gave the captain and me a heart attack.
Once you are down there its like nothing else on earth. You are more a part of the action than a witness to it. It's awesome to look up at the topside cages and see what it looks like from the shark's perspective. Lawrence had a kind of spiritual connection with a 17 foot female that was an honor to watch. He got a few tows from her and it was absolutely amazing to witness. It was a bit nerve wracking at times because there were 2 aggressive little males that kept zipping past checking Lawrence out. I have never wanted an underwater intercom so badly in my life.
As far as things went topside? We could not have asked for a better crew and group of divers. It is amazing that such a diverse group of people would get along so well and have such a great time together. I have not laughed that hard since, well maybe ever. I made some great friends that I would not surprised to have in my life for years to come.Even some of the crew have become a part of my everyday life and I am proud to call them my friends.
I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface for you of what this was like but I don't know that writing for a year would do it. It's just one of those indescribable things. If you wanna know for yourself next October for my birthday we are going hit me up to reserve a spot. Changed my life…

love!?

December 10th 2006

How does one define that which you cannot see, hear, or touch? How do you have faith in the existence of what is an intangible and often transient emotion? Love is none of these things. It can be seen, heard, and touched. It can be tangible and permanent. Love is also all of these things sometimes, or rather there is the existence of an illusion of love, an ideal so powerful it fools you.

I have been in love, lust, and infatuation. All of these at times felt like the same thing. The hormones can cloud the senses as can a fleeting crush. I have certainly had my senses clouded by both. As one matures and gains experience with real love the heart gains clarity and begins to learn to discern what is real from that which is an illusion.

To define love you have to accept the subjectivity of its definition. To each human being love is something uniquely felt, experienced and.., defined?

For me love is the moment that you look at someone and embrace them exactly as they are. My mother always said "You like people for their qualities you love them for their faults". To me this is the simplest way to say it. When someone's idiosyncrasies and absurd habits become that which you cannot live without rather than that which you cannot abide you are most assuredly in love. At least I know I am.

Love is also a generosity that takes one outside yourself. You are suddenly doing things that require that you go out of your way and practice true selflessness. You find yourself giving with a fervor that you cannot believe was possible. You have a joy in giving that cannot be described with words.

Love is a patience that is almost infinite. You find a level of tolerance for the shortcomings and misgivings of another that you have believed was had only by saints. You find room for forgiveness even when the sting of another's misdeeds still bites at your heart.

Love is a passion that overwhelms you. You look at someone or smell their pillow or the shirt they left behind and you can think of nothing else. To touch them, hold them, kiss them..there is nothing on earth that you would rather do more. Chasing each other around the house, playing dress up in the bedroom, kissing on the sofa for hours. Knowing each others buttons and when to push them. Having hot, steamy nights and quiet romantic ones too these are gifts that love bestows upon the bearer.

Love is a moment when you decide that you have let go of your pretenses and then you jump sans parachute into the abyss. It is a risk and gamble that you become willing to take because you can't live without the object of your affection. Love is also a lifetime! A lifetme of togetherness or memories it leaves in its wake.

Love is an equality between two people that is unshakeable, It is when two people share a definition and approach to love and a foundation can be laid upon it. It is the choice between 2 whole and complete individuals to share their individual lives with one another and create a third life. The life they will call "US".

Love is a pain that cuts so deeply it is only rivaled in despair by death itself. There is no agony like that wrought upon the heart of one who has been betrayed by the one they love. Only worse is to be abandoned by them.

Love is a force that drives us sometimes to heights we never knew the human heart could reach and sometimes to depths we wish it could not fathom. In the end though, it is the very thing that binds us together. It is the motivation of almost every living to thing to love or to be loved. It is the thing that destroys our spirits only to rebuild them again later. It is the thing that we never give up on no matter how much or how often it disappoints us. It teaches us our most valuable life lessons. It is the gift that universe gives us to make our lives worthwhile.

Love often, love wisely, love carelessly, love generously, love unconditionally, love yourself first and then let someone love you back!

Boyfriend material???

June 26th 2006



So you think you have what it takes? Minimum requirements are as follows.

1)Graduate degree or Rhode's scholar equivalent.
2)Off beat sense of humor
3)Interest in and extensive knowledge of art, music, literature, politics, and wine.
4)Good hygiene
5)Must love dogs and be ok sleeping with them
6)Must make as much money as I do or more (no freeloaders allowed)
7)No whiners or candy asses
8)30-45 years old
9)Must be tolerant of my phone always ringing and me always answering it.
10) Must love the ocean.
11)Must be creative & think outside the box
12) Must be a hopeless romantic
13) Must be social
14)Must love his mama but not be a mama's boy
15)Must be an avid reader (US Weekly and People do not count.)
16) Must have a naughty side..I love a little "thug" in my men.
17)Must be patient
18) Must be kind
19) Must be sexy
20)Must be 100% loyal.

Still think you have it??? I think I just narrowed it down to 5 guys on the planet. Where are they?

Friendship LA style?!

Photo by Estevan Oriol

November 7th 2006

In this town the word friend seems to have a different meaning than it does elsewhere. Since I do not hail from here I have a different definition than most people in this city of lost souls. For me...you cannot choose your family but your friends are those you treat as family and have chosen to join you on your journey through life.
Friends come and go, sometimes through no fault of anyone...people simply grow apart or relationships change. Sometimes there is betrayal on either part that results in the demise of a friendship. Here it seems that friends come and go more quickly and the basis for them is much more about what someone can do for someone else than a real desire to grow together and progress in life.
People "befriend" those who can get them access, attention, further their careers, fund their habits, and essentially co-sign their sometimes inconscionable behavior. I can't fathom this. I chose my friends based on their abilty to inspire and educate me. I chose them because they have qualities that I admire and adore. I chose them because they make me want to be better than I am today and make me want to be the same for them.
[Trust (noun) reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.] This is one of the things I have found hardest to do after years in this town. I have seen too many abuse it and misuse it to such a degree that perhaps I am jaded. I have often likened myself to a shark...underwater they look so shiny and smooth but if you touch a shark's skin it will cut you. They are hydrodynamic and pretty to look at but not easy to get close to.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad one that I have thickened my skin and become more predator than prey? I just know that it is sad that there are too few "real" people in this town who are worthy of trust and know how to be a friend to someone. I am learning still who my real friends are and I thank God that I have them.
I am glad that I have reached a point in my life where I am attracting the kinds of friends that are reciprocal in my associations with them. I am grateful that I have those who are loyal and true. I am so happy that I can TRUST the people in my life right now.
My wish for everyone in this town who is a good person is that you find a group like mine and that you hold on for dear life. They are so few and far between. They are the family you choose and in the end they are all you have!
PS. If you are among my chosen few...I love you and appreciate you more than you could ever know.

Malcontent?

June 25th 2006

Maybe this is what I am. Always "up in arms" about the injustices of the world. Never one to sit idly by and let myself or anyone else be taken advantage of. Hating politicians who I used to admire. So disgusted with the state of things in my country that I could ex-patriate. Resentful every time I go to the gas pump. More resentful every time the dow plunges and interest rates climb.
I am despondent, I am becoming lazy. The laziness, I am sure stems from having learned that I have little to no ablilty to affect change in those areas I am so miserable over. 2/3 of the world is living in poverty and sickness yet pharmaceutical companies report record earnings each year. The elderly lady in the apartment next door may outlive her funds.
LA is flooding the coast with birth control laden toilet water, sterilizing fish. Reefs are dying and Japan is finning almost a million sharks (for fucking soup) every year. Tigers( endangered by the way) are killed so some stupid, misguided, idiots in Asia can eat tiger balls instead of just taking viagra.We keep flying young men and women home from Iraq in boxes to families that never agreed with our invasion in the first place.
So am I, malcontent I mean? Is it me or the world? Am I a negative person or is the state of things so bad I can't help my cynicism? Maybe it's that even though things are wonderful for me I am constantly reminded of what life is for the rest of the world and I can't help but feel guilty. Why should I have so much when they have so little? I have earned all that I have but are they not worthy of the same? At least some of them?
Maybe it's because it's cloudy today or maybe it's because I am self-defeating in my attitudes but despite how great things have been for me lately I am unhappy. I don't know what I want. To be alone or have someone to share my life? Maybe a fling to pass the time? Nah, not my style! To take a break from it all? Nah, I need to work! I just wish I could find that space in my head that I had as a child before I became jaded. You know the one...where all things are possible, world peace is around the corner, and we will all have our own hovercraft and robot friend/butler in 5 years.

Loss....

June 24th 2006

A friend of mine just lost his dad. I can't imagine how painful that must be. There is just no "right thing" to say to someone. There is no "right thing" to do for them. You have to stand by and allow them to walk through one of life's cruelest realities, the mortality of someone who gave them life.
I am sitting here thinking of the mortality of my own parents. My dad is 67, which is young but he does not have forever. Is there ever enough living to have lived to make death ok? My dad has had a great life and many experiences, is the sum of his life enough? Could 20 more years or 30 make the sum enough? Not for me.
I don't think we can fully grasp the value of the relationship we have and have had with our parents until we can take an honest appraisal of who we have become because of them. Good or bad the relationship with them is the most siginificant one we have in our lives save for that we will share with our own children. Their's are the hands that mold us.
My friend's father was an accomplished man who loved him immensely and took great pains to see his son become the kind of person he is meant to be. In that alone he should take comfort. His father's greatest accomplishment and masterpiece were his children.
The crippling effect of grief is that we lose the ablilty to see that beyond the loss, is a legacy that will live within us forever. We never really lose our parents because each day when we get up we can go to the mirror and see our father's eyes, our mother's nose, the features that we know are theirs. Everyday we can acknowledge the behavior we inherit, the ability to negotiate, how we nurture, all of these are things we learned from them.
I hope that my friend will find solace today and tomorrow and that his grief will run it's course swiftly. Underneath the pain is the love that endured though his father's life and now will endure his. The love between a parent and child.