Sunday, May 3, 2009
Why ask Why?
Sometimes when things become clear to us we are no better off than before. "Why" is a question we don't always want the answer to or rather we want it until we have it and then wish we had never asked. How many times in my life have I asked why someone hurt or betrayed me only to find that the answer was simply that I didn't matter to them?
The answer is so profoundly hurtful it benefits no one. I would rather hear that I caused them some harm, even imagined harm, and they hurt or betrayed me out of spite. To do such things out of apathy destroys our faith in humanity.
We can all relate to doing something out of spite or vindication. It is a palatable but not pleasant concept but the mind does not recoil from it. There is nothing more cold and inhumane to face than that people we have loved do the most heinous things sometimes with no motivation other than that they simply don't care.
How do you trust anyone if you find that those you have loved the most and been the kindest to have only pretended to care for you to the same degree? How do you discern who is true and not just "working an angle" of some kind? How do you ever allow yourself to be vulnerable with anyone?How do you love openly and honestly?
Love is not something you can do half way or with conditions. It is something that must be done with an open mind and an open heart. In the world we live in now I wonder how people find the courage to take such a risk with something of such value? I feel like I have started to guard my heart with an armed firing squad. I hate that feeling.
I miss my openness but I, like most, have been hurt many times. Often it was perpetrated by those closest to me and I feel myself shutting down. Maybe the first step to preserving who I was before the damage is this moment.
I am acknowledging the hurt and choosing not to let it cripple me. I vow to make a concerted effort to learn from the heartbreaks and betrayals of friends and lovers but not allow them to destroy my spirit. I will not torture myself by asking why from now on. I am resolved to do my best to let go of what wreckage there is and take each new person at face value hoping my past has taught me something that will mean fewer heartbreaks in the future. Knowing why is the booby prize...