Thursday, December 18, 2008

alone vs lonely....

August 23rd 2007

I spent another night alone with Stevie Wonder and a bottle of red wine! I love these nights. The sound of Songs in the Key of Life and my own breathing. Maybe it's because I have grown up or maybe I am destined to be a an old spinster but I really enjoy time spent alone. I like my own company. I like the space I find in my head when there is no noise from others. The freedom to disappear inside myself and look at who I am is a gift.
I am not getting any younger and maybe I should be less comfortable being by myself but in truth I am only lonely when surrounded by others. I guess the fact that I don't need approval for every step I take anymore has alienated me from the throngs of life. I don't fit in anymore. I stand in the corner quietly observing the rest of you and feeling less and less like one of you.
I patiently wait for the night to end so I can disappear into me again and have my own world that I exist in without you. I pray for the chance to sit in my room glass on the nightstand and pen in my hand. Exploring on paper the innerworkings of my heart and mind so that some day I will understand me. Then maybe...I will understand you! I will find the parrallels between us again and find my way back to being " a part of" instead of "apart from". Until I do I am just content to be alone!

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