Empty....

December 19th 2006 3:46 am

So it wasn't that long ago that I wrote a very sincere and honest blog about being completely comfortable being single. I am not sure what happened but for some reason the last few weeks I have started to notice that alone has meant lonely more and more often. I am not gonna rush out and settle for the next guy I go on a date with but there is a definite sting to sleeping alone lately.
I am a serial monogamist and I have been single now for almost 2 years. I have spent that time alternating between dating one guy for a few months and 5 guys at a time for a few months. I guess I couldn't decide which made more sense to put all my eggs in one basket or to keep my options open? Right now I still don't know the answer but I am leaning toward the one guy option.
Maybe one of the multiples I was dating was Mr. Right and I was too busy keeping my options open to give the attention I should have. Maybe he's in my life right now and I don't know it yet. One of the guys I dated this past year who has become a great friend told me that I would find "him" when I least expected and it would probably the underdog.
Who is this underdog? Does he exist? Will I know him when he comes? If he's already in my life then how will I suddenly gain clarity enough to recognize him after missing the boat all this time?
I wrote a list of boyfriend requirements here once too and for some reason with all the importance I placed on those things it seems the most important thing to me is something I can't articulate. I don't have words for it and "je ne sais quoi" seems like a gross understatement. I guess I can't write myself a Mr. Right I have to feel my way to him. I have to have faith that my heart will know when its "him".
I used to be able to close my eyes and just step off the cliff and fall in love right or wrong. Now....I can't seem to find the courage to take risks. Had my heart broken too many times maybe. I don't know how to connect anymore, its like I lost my sensitivity.

I do know that its almost 4-am and I have insomnia that is caused by the painful awareness of the empty pillow on the other side of the bed. Years of cohabitation got me into the habit of conforming to his and hers sides of the bed. Great idea when there is someone to fill the other side but when its empty it gnaws at you. When you turn out the light there is the absence of the tandem breathing that reminds you you are not alone. So I am awake again.Its better to write it out than toss and turn in the dark defiantly lying in the middle of the bed hoping in vain it will make me feel better so I can sleep.
I hate complaining but I just know that my life is missing something and right now it feels like the missing element is someone to share it with. These are the lyrics to the song that just started on my itunes....interesting timing.

"

Soulmate
by Natasha Beddingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

alone vs lonely....

August 23rd 2007

I spent another night alone with Stevie Wonder and a bottle of red wine! I love these nights. The sound of Songs in the Key of Life and my own breathing. Maybe it's because I have grown up or maybe I am destined to be a an old spinster but I really enjoy time spent alone. I like my own company. I like the space I find in my head when there is no noise from others. The freedom to disappear inside myself and look at who I am is a gift.
I am not getting any younger and maybe I should be less comfortable being by myself but in truth I am only lonely when surrounded by others. I guess the fact that I don't need approval for every step I take anymore has alienated me from the throngs of life. I don't fit in anymore. I stand in the corner quietly observing the rest of you and feeling less and less like one of you.
I patiently wait for the night to end so I can disappear into me again and have my own world that I exist in without you. I pray for the chance to sit in my room glass on the nightstand and pen in my hand. Exploring on paper the innerworkings of my heart and mind so that some day I will understand me. Then maybe...I will understand you! I will find the parrallels between us again and find my way back to being " a part of" instead of "apart from". Until I do I am just content to be alone!

How did we get here??

September 17th 2008


Life is what you make it! When you're at your lowest and it seems hopeless it's easy to wallow in the misery and despair. I am not in the highest of places at the moment and yet I am finding things to be grateful for constantly. Simple things...the roof over my head,clothes on my back, food in belly. I have a beautiful family, amazing friends, the cutest dogs...a lot of love in my life.
I have spent a lot of my life taking things for granted which is probably what led me to moments when abundance just did'nt seem to flow. You can't be ready to achieve what you dream of till you are able to appreciate what you already have.
I have made the mistake of thinking I am running out of time and focusing on the clock ticking away. That kept me from being able to enjoy the things that were happening just then. It deprived me of NOW!
I have cleaned house with people in my life and I've learned to put up walls when necessary to keep the wrong ones out. I have learned to appreciate the tiny things about friends and people in general. Punctuality for example...people who are always late feel that their time is more important than everyone else's. I don't need that in my life. I expect to be treated with the same courtesy and respect with which I treat others.
I have learned to believe little of what I hear from people and I choose instead to observe their actions. Try it and you will probably find a lot of contradictions.
I have made so many mistakes in my life but I am not gonna feel bad about them anymore. I am gonna do what I have been doing which is learn from them and grow. Regret and guilt only keep me stuck in the past and that deprives me of NOW!
I arrived at this moment from a painstaking process that involved a lot of sweat, blood, and tears. Now I am grateful for all of it. It gave me the gift of being able to see what I have got and appreciate it so i can truly get to where i am meant to be. It allowed me to let go of my mistakes with dignity and wisdom gained. It allowed me to let go of unrealistic expectations and in the process gain something far greater than i ever conceived.It allowed me to love myself and others and give others the chance to love me back.
I am here and NOW and for the time in my life I think I might just be content

Perfect...

March 31st 2008

So if a girl can cook 3 amazing meals a day, close a million dollar deal, balance a kid on her hip, fuck you like a pornstar and look beautiful doing it all....? Give her a ring damnit! The grass is not greener! She will not be there after you go sew your oats! Just because she's independent doe'snt mean she does'nt need you. She should make you feel like more of a man than anyone else because when a strong woman chooses you it is because she loves you not what you have. She can survive without you but she doesn't want to...
You can survive without her but you will spend the rest of your life wishing you had her back...

Awake....

August 10th 2008

I can't sleep again! Insomnia is becoming a way of life. As soon as the lights go out my mind races. A scrolling marquee of all that I should or should not do or have done. Haunted by my regrets and more haunted by the thought of what I will miss tomorrow. Why am I so listless?
Why does my heart ache?
What is this knot in the pit of my stomach?
What about the one in my throat that keeps me from saying what I mean?
When will i be happy?
When will I be complete?
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders all the time. I wanna rebel. Turn off the phone stop paying the house and car notes ,shut the blinds forget the heavy world exists!
I wanna feel something real again.
I want him to be real but I don't think he is.
Every word seems like a line thrown at me,.the 100th girl... or am i the first? Confusion!
Desperation!
Exhaustion!
My soul is tired!
My mind aches worse than my heart...
I don't wanna think I don't want to analyze every word, act thought...it's just how I am!
Can i change?
Why won't the pharmaceutical find its way to my bloodstream?
I need black sleep, a dark hole the xanax I just took should help me fall into.
Wishful thinking!
I don't know what I wish for anymore?
No more candles to blow out, eyelashes on my cheek , or shooting stars!
When I get what I wish for I learn I wish for all the wrong shit!
Maybe that's what keeps me up!
Maybe it is that I have everything and want nothing...
Does anyone else care?
I don't give a fuck about you either!
Unless you can hold me while I cry myself to sleep...
Unless you are the one I want to hold me!
Then I love you and hate you for loving me!
Because the me you love isn't who you think.
I am broken, imperfect and frail .
But in my chest.....Beats the heart of lion maybe someday you will see.
However unlikely it seems....
Maybe I have to close my eyes to really open them
Now I will dream..

Isla de Guadalupe!

January 7th 2008

So I waited awhile to post a blog about my trip to Guadalupe mostly because I have been processing it all. (still am) I got an instant message from Dean Karr who is my photography idol particularly regarding great white sharks saying "call me right fucking now". I was thinking someone died and he was gonna be dropping a bomb on me. He did drop a bomb but it was one the best of my life. For the past few years I have been trying to make it on this trip with Dean but it has always come at the busiest time of the year for me and I couldn't get away. For the first time I could actually take the trip I always dreamed of. Absolutely the best gift ever!
I actually went to South Africa to do it once but opted for not getting off the boat after they took me on the tour de breach and then showed me the chicken wire cage....um sorry not getting off the boat. EVER! No one said they were the most safety conscious of shark diving operations. South Africa was one of 2 trips I didnt make it into the water for...Bahamas, bull sharks, badddddd experience!
I have been on a lot of shark dives some even sans cage and involved hand feeding but nothing can compare to this. I slid into my gear with the help of Palmolive, which I later discovered was a very bad idea for me. I managed to get it in my eyes twice. Once with the help of my friend Gracy(sloshed accidentally into my hood). The second time I have no explanation but I went blind and decided to poke my head out in front of an incoming shark for assistance. (Thanks to Lawrence for saving me from possible decapitation)
I slid into the cage with Gracy, Matt, and Dean "Sharkbait" Karr. I dubbed him such based on his technique for getting the perfect shot by hanging out of the cage waving his arms to get them to approach. This tactic also resulted in my getting a ton of pictures of Dean's arm and camera right in front of the shark I was trying to photograph.
You can't imagine the rush of seeing God's most perfect invention coming at you mere inches away. They are one of the only things on earth that are completely unchanged. They have not evolved because they were absolutely perfect from the start. Despite popular myth I definitely found them to be intelligent and cunning predators. The most interesting and entertaining thing I learned about their behavior is that they truly are hunters that rely on the element of surprise. They prefer unsuspecting prey. As they would come straight at us in the submersible a simple stare from us would result in a change of their course. They would execute the change with a kind of nonchalance as if to say " Ehhh I was'nt gonna bite you, just checkin you out". Once they saw they had lost the element of surprise the thrill of the hunt seemed lost to them as well.
They all have their own personalities. Some docile and confident, some curious, and some sneaky and aggressive. To me it seemed that the larger they were the more docile. It was as if with the immense size they had nothing to prove and nothing to fear so they moved slowly and calmly while everything else moved out of the way for them.
They also all have their own appearance. Like people, some are shorter, fatter, longer, thinner, some have not nice teeth, some have perfect teeth, they have scars, coloration differences and...FRECKLES! Yes, you read it right FRECKLES! They are actually spots and not all of them have these but my favorite shark of the trip that has apparently been a frequent visitor to the island had them. Beautiful little gray spots that inspired the name Speckles.
It was love at first sight for me and Speckles who must've been 16ft+. I was in the topside cage on the right alone for approximately an hour at the end of the first day Dean and some other divers were in the cage on the left when speckles noticed the lone black thingy (me) bouncing around.When there are four of you in cage its like you're all one big piece but one of you looks a bit more like a possible meal. So as I continued to bounce around Speckles came in right next to the open gap on the cage to check me out. Time after time he would do a u-turn and pass so close that I have several shots of his gills and one head shot that I may have been taking too great a risk for. (check Isla Guadalupe album...still editing)Dean got some really incredible shots of him including one of me in the cage alone with him in the background. It was amazing.
After the excitement of the topside cages I didn't think it could get any better and then the brought out...THE LUNCHBOX! The lunchbox is a submersible cage that goes down to a depth of 20 feet. It has an open top and very large gaps in the sides for filming. Submerging in the lunchbox is a bit scary. Day two I actually fell into it cracking my weights making a loud ring and a splash that almost gave the captain and me a heart attack.
Once you are down there its like nothing else on earth. You are more a part of the action than a witness to it. It's awesome to look up at the topside cages and see what it looks like from the shark's perspective. Lawrence had a kind of spiritual connection with a 17 foot female that was an honor to watch. He got a few tows from her and it was absolutely amazing to witness. It was a bit nerve wracking at times because there were 2 aggressive little males that kept zipping past checking Lawrence out. I have never wanted an underwater intercom so badly in my life.
As far as things went topside? We could not have asked for a better crew and group of divers. It is amazing that such a diverse group of people would get along so well and have such a great time together. I have not laughed that hard since, well maybe ever. I made some great friends that I would not surprised to have in my life for years to come.Even some of the crew have become a part of my everyday life and I am proud to call them my friends.
I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface for you of what this was like but I don't know that writing for a year would do it. It's just one of those indescribable things. If you wanna know for yourself next October for my birthday we are going hit me up to reserve a spot. Changed my life…

love!?

December 10th 2006

How does one define that which you cannot see, hear, or touch? How do you have faith in the existence of what is an intangible and often transient emotion? Love is none of these things. It can be seen, heard, and touched. It can be tangible and permanent. Love is also all of these things sometimes, or rather there is the existence of an illusion of love, an ideal so powerful it fools you.

I have been in love, lust, and infatuation. All of these at times felt like the same thing. The hormones can cloud the senses as can a fleeting crush. I have certainly had my senses clouded by both. As one matures and gains experience with real love the heart gains clarity and begins to learn to discern what is real from that which is an illusion.

To define love you have to accept the subjectivity of its definition. To each human being love is something uniquely felt, experienced and.., defined?

For me love is the moment that you look at someone and embrace them exactly as they are. My mother always said "You like people for their qualities you love them for their faults". To me this is the simplest way to say it. When someone's idiosyncrasies and absurd habits become that which you cannot live without rather than that which you cannot abide you are most assuredly in love. At least I know I am.

Love is also a generosity that takes one outside yourself. You are suddenly doing things that require that you go out of your way and practice true selflessness. You find yourself giving with a fervor that you cannot believe was possible. You have a joy in giving that cannot be described with words.

Love is a patience that is almost infinite. You find a level of tolerance for the shortcomings and misgivings of another that you have believed was had only by saints. You find room for forgiveness even when the sting of another's misdeeds still bites at your heart.

Love is a passion that overwhelms you. You look at someone or smell their pillow or the shirt they left behind and you can think of nothing else. To touch them, hold them, kiss them..there is nothing on earth that you would rather do more. Chasing each other around the house, playing dress up in the bedroom, kissing on the sofa for hours. Knowing each others buttons and when to push them. Having hot, steamy nights and quiet romantic ones too these are gifts that love bestows upon the bearer.

Love is a moment when you decide that you have let go of your pretenses and then you jump sans parachute into the abyss. It is a risk and gamble that you become willing to take because you can't live without the object of your affection. Love is also a lifetime! A lifetme of togetherness or memories it leaves in its wake.

Love is an equality between two people that is unshakeable, It is when two people share a definition and approach to love and a foundation can be laid upon it. It is the choice between 2 whole and complete individuals to share their individual lives with one another and create a third life. The life they will call "US".

Love is a pain that cuts so deeply it is only rivaled in despair by death itself. There is no agony like that wrought upon the heart of one who has been betrayed by the one they love. Only worse is to be abandoned by them.

Love is a force that drives us sometimes to heights we never knew the human heart could reach and sometimes to depths we wish it could not fathom. In the end though, it is the very thing that binds us together. It is the motivation of almost every living to thing to love or to be loved. It is the thing that destroys our spirits only to rebuild them again later. It is the thing that we never give up on no matter how much or how often it disappoints us. It teaches us our most valuable life lessons. It is the gift that universe gives us to make our lives worthwhile.

Love often, love wisely, love carelessly, love generously, love unconditionally, love yourself first and then let someone love you back!