Empty....

December 19th 2006 3:46 am

So it wasn't that long ago that I wrote a very sincere and honest blog about being completely comfortable being single. I am not sure what happened but for some reason the last few weeks I have started to notice that alone has meant lonely more and more often. I am not gonna rush out and settle for the next guy I go on a date with but there is a definite sting to sleeping alone lately.
I am a serial monogamist and I have been single now for almost 2 years. I have spent that time alternating between dating one guy for a few months and 5 guys at a time for a few months. I guess I couldn't decide which made more sense to put all my eggs in one basket or to keep my options open? Right now I still don't know the answer but I am leaning toward the one guy option.
Maybe one of the multiples I was dating was Mr. Right and I was too busy keeping my options open to give the attention I should have. Maybe he's in my life right now and I don't know it yet. One of the guys I dated this past year who has become a great friend told me that I would find "him" when I least expected and it would probably the underdog.
Who is this underdog? Does he exist? Will I know him when he comes? If he's already in my life then how will I suddenly gain clarity enough to recognize him after missing the boat all this time?
I wrote a list of boyfriend requirements here once too and for some reason with all the importance I placed on those things it seems the most important thing to me is something I can't articulate. I don't have words for it and "je ne sais quoi" seems like a gross understatement. I guess I can't write myself a Mr. Right I have to feel my way to him. I have to have faith that my heart will know when its "him".
I used to be able to close my eyes and just step off the cliff and fall in love right or wrong. Now....I can't seem to find the courage to take risks. Had my heart broken too many times maybe. I don't know how to connect anymore, its like I lost my sensitivity.

I do know that its almost 4-am and I have insomnia that is caused by the painful awareness of the empty pillow on the other side of the bed. Years of cohabitation got me into the habit of conforming to his and hers sides of the bed. Great idea when there is someone to fill the other side but when its empty it gnaws at you. When you turn out the light there is the absence of the tandem breathing that reminds you you are not alone. So I am awake again.Its better to write it out than toss and turn in the dark defiantly lying in the middle of the bed hoping in vain it will make me feel better so I can sleep.
I hate complaining but I just know that my life is missing something and right now it feels like the missing element is someone to share it with. These are the lyrics to the song that just started on my itunes....interesting timing.

"

Soulmate
by Natasha Beddingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone