Awake....

August 10th 2008

I can't sleep again! Insomnia is becoming a way of life. As soon as the lights go out my mind races. A scrolling marquee of all that I should or should not do or have done. Haunted by my regrets and more haunted by the thought of what I will miss tomorrow. Why am I so listless?
Why does my heart ache?
What is this knot in the pit of my stomach?
What about the one in my throat that keeps me from saying what I mean?
When will i be happy?
When will I be complete?
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders all the time. I wanna rebel. Turn off the phone stop paying the house and car notes ,shut the blinds forget the heavy world exists!
I wanna feel something real again.
I want him to be real but I don't think he is.
Every word seems like a line thrown at me,.the 100th girl... or am i the first? Confusion!
Desperation!
Exhaustion!
My soul is tired!
My mind aches worse than my heart...
I don't wanna think I don't want to analyze every word, act thought...it's just how I am!
Can i change?
Why won't the pharmaceutical find its way to my bloodstream?
I need black sleep, a dark hole the xanax I just took should help me fall into.
Wishful thinking!
I don't know what I wish for anymore?
No more candles to blow out, eyelashes on my cheek , or shooting stars!
When I get what I wish for I learn I wish for all the wrong shit!
Maybe that's what keeps me up!
Maybe it is that I have everything and want nothing...
Does anyone else care?
I don't give a fuck about you either!
Unless you can hold me while I cry myself to sleep...
Unless you are the one I want to hold me!
Then I love you and hate you for loving me!
Because the me you love isn't who you think.
I am broken, imperfect and frail .
But in my chest.....Beats the heart of lion maybe someday you will see.
However unlikely it seems....
Maybe I have to close my eyes to really open them
Now I will dream..